The Waltz of Light and Shadow
by The Real Iggy
Summary: The Emperor ordained that go be played at three evenings out of the month, when light and shadow were within the balance of twilight and neither held the advantage. Perhaps that way of play yet remained. If go was life, then the Hand of God was not merely the culmination of go but the culmination of life. Seasons pass and people change, but they continue to play go, Sai knew.


" _Hikaru, your friend is here!"_

 _The voice was foggy, and his bed was warm. He rolled over, pulling his hands and feet deeper under the covers._

" _Hikaru, are you still in bed?"_

 _It was his mom. Her voice was closer this time. He felt the covers slip away from him._

" _Hikaru, it's Sunday and there's snow on the ground! Now get dressed, it's not nice to keep her waiting out in the cold for you! Remember you told me yesterday you two were going to play outside today?" Hikaru saw his mothers' hands holding out a hat and mittens for him, the same ones he'd used as a kid._

 _But he was a kid._

 _Hikaru remembered now. His friend had asked him yesterday what he would be doing on the day off from school. Hikaru didn't want to do his homework, so he'd told her they would play outside if it snowed the night before, and mom said it had!_

 _He quickly pulled on his hat, gloves, and boots and opened the door, where he saw a whole bunch of white and his friends' dark purple jacket._

" _Don't be so lazy! Let's go, Hikaru!" She turned around and spread her arms out to catch the snowflakes. Her twintails whipped about around the scarf she wore. Like an airplane she ran zigzagging through trees and snowdrifts. Hikaru tripped through the snow after her._

" _Hey, wait up..." he'd been about to say her name, but it never made it to his mouth. The face behind the scarf was blank._

 _Her name. What was his friends' name?_

Hikaru grunted, waving his hand over to his alarm to silence the beeping. His other hand was outstretched in the direction in which he'd seen... someone?

"Seven o'clock? Why did I... right, Touya, aw man." Hikaru ran his fingers through his hair as he got out of bed to get dressed. Even his mother would not be up just yet on a Sunday. As soon as he'd grabbed his toast and jacket he was through the door, a spring breeze made him shiver. "Ah~ it's too early to stay warm! Damn Touya!"

Some hours later Hikaru yawned, energy draining away as he cleared the go board of black stones. When it came time to have a game Hikaru always managed to muster the strength to focus, but now it was over. Across from him, Akira did the same with the white stones, looking no worse for the wear even after speed go. When Akira didn't move any further, Hikaru suppressed another yawn.

"Aren't we gonna go again?" Hikaru said through his palm.

"If you like," Akira said plainly. "I still have time, however –"

"Why'd you make me come to the salon this early again on a Sunday?" Hikaru interrupted.

Akira frowned. "It couldn't be helped. I have a teaching session this afternoon. My client is a student, so there really was no other time. I have my other games so this was when we could play this week, and it wasn't even _that_ early. The Hokuto Cup is only two months away. We _need_ to play. And on that note –"

"Two months?" Hikaru interrupted again, stretching his arms behind his head as Akira grit his teeth. "You know I just got a computer, right? We could have played on that."

" _As I was saying_ ," Akira said loudly, "I wanted to speak with you about your game. Not just today; lately your game has been... hmm..."

"What, not _good_ enough for you?" Hikaru opened a single eye.

" _Bad_ isn't the word. It's not. But it's, well... by the book. _Normal_. It's something I might expect from any other pro at our level, but not from _you_. You're more creative than this."

Hikaru folded his arms and looked up at the lights in the ceiling. "You think so?"

"None would know better," Akira replied. "Figure out a way to get to where you were before. We'll be eighteen next year, so this is our last chance to win the Hokuto Cup. Japan hasn't done it yet, and even though Ko Yeong Ha won't be competing anymore I'm sure he'll be there so he can play you again. You _still_ haven't beaten him. Win for the sake of Japan, and win against Ko Yeong Ha for your own sake. Understand, Shindo?"

"Who are you to give me orders?" Hikaru said. Akira scoffed and ignored him, waiting. Hikaru gave in. "I dunno... maybe I have been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. It's not like the last time, though. I know why _that_ was. This isn't the same. I don't get it."

Akira said nothing in reply, knowing what he was referring to, the time two years ago when he hadn't picked up a go stone for two months. So long as Hikaru had come back, Akira had never bothered asking him about it. Whatever it was, Hikaru's go became all the stronger afterwards. That was all that had mattered to Akira, and it still was all. "It's clear that this isn't something I can offer you suggestions on," Akira said as he put the stones away.

Hikaru looked up at him. "Thought we still had time?"

"The result would be the same. Perhaps I'll go replay some old games instead," Akira said primly.

"So what am I supposed to do on a Sunday? Have a nice lunch, go to the amusement park, maybe see a movie?"

"If you think such recreation is what you need to fix your go, then by all means."

All at once, Hikaru felt he had an inkling of what was responsible for the wall he'd run into. He'd have to think on it, but not before voicing what began of his inkling. "Y'know, Touya, maybe you should get out more."

Akira huffed. "Fine. While you're slacking off, maybe the team would be better off if I trained with Yashiro instead." He headed out the door.

Hikaru sat for awhile longer. "Yo, Touya, I'll figure this out, alright?" Hikaru called. Akira merely continued out the door, but Hikaru knew he'd heard.

* * *

Hikaru _did_ have a nice lunch. He'd gone to one of Tokyo's many shopping areas and eaten at a ramen place he'd never been to. It had been fabulous, in his professional opinion. Then he'd spent much of the afternoon wandering through the shops without buying anything. He'd stopped after the last shopkeeper had given him the eye for loitering about. If his games that morning had been worthless, then the rest of his day had been equally worthless. So much for getting out and about.

 _Guess I'll head back,_ Hikaru thought. The inkling he'd felt that maybe he and Akira were getting burnt out from go seemed to have gone nowhere. Go players expressed themselves in their games. That was how they lived life, and all the hopes, dreams, and fears that went into those games were as much go as life. Life was a journey and the journey was go. He didn't _feel_ like he'd been too focused on go no matter how much he'd played, and Hikaru was sure Akira didn't either.

What was missing? How could his go have lost that shine to it? Akira had been right; it had become stale, but neither of them knew why.

Hikaru had returned to his neighborhood. As a soon-to-be adult fully immersed in professional go, he was at a prime time to move out of his home, but every time he thought about looking at apartments the idea died. Hikaru had never felt he'd have trouble being away from home after traveling to play go so much, but no matter how he thought about it there wasn't an interest in his heart.

Some kids, a boy and a girl, were playing on the bars at the playground. Hikaru didn't recognize them from the neighborhood, but their parents didn't seem to be around so they must have lived nearby. They jumped to the bottom, counted to three, and raced to see who could climb to the top first. Over and over the boy and the girl repeated the race, but they never figured out who won. They just kept climbing over the bars and laughing together.

Hikaru felt an ache as minute and unseen as a needle slipping through his chest. _Maybe I'll walk around the neighborhood some more_ , he thought. He walked past the playground, away from his house, while the boy and girl ran over to the swings.

He went around aimlessly, trying to remember what all the places near the neighborhood were. The afternoon sun began to dip lower in the sky as he did, the darkness encroaching upon the light. He walked along a high wall in which the sun cast a long shadow.

"..."

"...said that..."

"...I think it was too..."

Hikaru heard female voices coming from around the corner. Two girls. At first he thought they might have been coming home from school, but it was a Sunday. He stopped walking so they would come around the corner. The first girl to emerge looked familiar, with a head of light, medium length hair. He mentally searched for her name until he saw the other girl.

It was Akari.

The two or so seconds it took for Akari to catch sight of him went by slowly for Hikaru. In that span he saw those same old twintails, with a hint of auburn in them. She was taller again. She and the other girl, who he now remembered was Akari's friend from the go club, wore a light teal high school uniform he didn't recognize. Her eyes told him she was surprised to see him, but it was muted by something, she didn't seem as expressive as he remembered her being. Maybe that was just what happened to people as they got older?

"Oh... Hikaru..." he remembered how her high-pitched voice used to call his name. There was a note of it now, but it lay concealed beneath a shroud of maturity.

"Akari," he said, too fixated to greet the other girl, whose name he still could not remember.

"Ah! Um... I'll see you tomorrow, Akari! Good to see you, Hikaru!" her friend said quickly and jogged past him with her bag in hand. Akari was startled by her sudden departure, raising her hand in goodbye long after she was already out of sight.

Hikaru and Akari walked together wordlessly. Hikaru seemed unable to find anything to say, and Akari seemed unable or unwilling, he didn't know. They returned to the playground, each of their houses lying just a bit further ahead. Hikaru sat down on the bench their mothers had used to sit while they were too young to play by themselves. Akari joined him, settling her bag on the ground.

Eventually, she spoke. "It looks you'll be a four-dan soon."

Hikaru looked up at the clouds. "Where'd you hear that? Nothing's official yet."

"You've been a three-dan for some time, and you have a lot of wins. I've seen them in Go Weekly."

"You still read that?"

"...Yeah." There was a hint of that same apprehension in her voice that she'd always had when he'd belittled her. Like everything else, however, it was subdued. Hikaru felt that needle return to his chest.

"What school is that uniform for?" he asked.

"Um... it's the one five blocks to the north. You might not know the name." She was right, he didn't. "Kumiko and I just left there." Ah, that was her name.

"What were you doing there on a Sunday, and in your uniform no less?"

"We... we were teaching go to the new members of the go club." She seemed a bit embarrassed. "I'm the club president; it's my responsibility. And I have to keep the same appearance as I do at school, to make a good impression."

"Really? The president?" Hikaru wanted to voice his concerns for the strength of any go club led by Akari, but held himself back just this once.

"I... I'm the founder too. There wasn't a club when me and Kumiko came, so I started one."

"That's good."

Akari fidgeted. "It was really _hard_. It's _hard_ to get people to start playing go. There's so much to learn, and it takes a _long_ time before they're able to understand what makes it fun to stay playing."

"But you _are_ still playing." Hikaru's presence in Akari's life had long since ended, yet after all this time she was still playing go, still _making_ people play go, _teaching_ people to play go. "Why is it that you play? Why's it fun to stay playing? Is it because of me?"

Akari did not reply then. When she did, she gave him a different answer than he imagined. "When I was trying to start the club, I'd heard that the computer science teacher went to go salons regularly. I wanted him to be our sponsor, but when I asked he said he would only do it if I could beat him in a game. I got kind of mad. I thought, 'I'm just trying to start a club here. Why should I have to beat him before he'd let me make it?'.

A salon regular huh? A spirited one from the sound of it; Hikaru knew the type well. From what he remembered, he didn't think Akari would have been likely to win against someone like that, yet... "You won then."

"Yeah, I did. I was behind throughout the early and mid game, but... it was like I suddenly _saw_ a different move. It was a way to stop him from being so aggressive. I knew, I just _knew_ how to beat him. I saw the paths, the _lines_ of play, what moves he would make, and what moves I needed to make. It was incredible, and outplaying him like that... I'd never felt so _thrilled_. Now I play every game searching for that thrill again." She tapped her foot against the ground, the vibrancy in her resembling her old self much more closely than before.

Hikaru saw her excitement collide with the image of the girl he used to go to this very park with. Time began to slow, and Hikaru's head swam as he was bombarded with realization.

The girl he'd run through fields with, now a woman. In first grade, she would steal his cookies when he wasn't looking and he'd had to steal them back. By third grade he'd grown sick of it and yanked her down into the muddy grass with him until she gave in to his tickle torture and promised to never steal them again. In fifth grade Akari failed a test for the first time and started crying, so Hikaru had proudly showed her his own paper with less than half the number she'd had. She'd stopped crying and dragged him off to study. They'd both passed after that.

This girl. His friend. _Akari_. He remembered, _remembered._ Hikaru started shaking. He held his head in his hands.

Akari had been there when he'd heard Sai's voice for the first time. She'd gone with him in the ambulance, and even though she was really upset she'd told the personnel what had happened as best she could. He'd been out cold, but he knew, because he knew _Akari_. He knew exactly what she would have done, because she was his best friend.

Tears began forming under his hands.

"What? Are... are you alright, Hikaru?" He heard her, he saw her reach out her hand, to touch him, to comfort him, to see if he was okay. But she stopped. She hesitated, uncertain.

He knew why. Hikaru knew why she acted like she wasn't sure she should reach out to him. She held him at arms length now.

How many times had she tagged along with him to the go club in middle school? How many times had he insulted her playing, sneered at her until Sai whacked him with his fan? How often had he done something stupid, like tell her girls didn't play go, and how often had she yelled that he was stupid and she never wanted to see him again?

It was all so _stupid_. _He_ was so stupid. She'd been right every time, and now, now... he'd driven her away.

When was the last time he'd even _seen_ her? They'd graduated middle school. He'd become a pro full time and she'd told him she had to study to get into high school. He didn't say anything stupid for once, and she'd told him he looked more mature. He'd looked at her fondly and said there would never be a fee for her to play go with him. She'd smiled. She'd been happy. Really happy. He'd been happy too.

And he'd forgotten it all because he'd been so stupid. She was a senior in high school now. Since that last conversation he'd never talked to her, never played go with her, never done a _thing_ even though her house was _right there_.

He felt afraid. He didn't want to move away from their home. He didn't want her to go off to college, or get a job in some far off city, not like this.

"Hikaru, please..." Akari began to reach towards him again. Hikaru panicked. He lunged and grabbed her in his arms, making her yelp in surprise. "H-Hikaru!"

"Akari... Akari, _listen_ –" Hikaru choked out, breathing heavily. He pulled her closer. "I'm _sorry,_ okay? I'm so, so sorry!"

"Hikaru, I –" She squirmed in half-protest.

"You're _still_ playing go? After all that stupid crap I used to say? After I told you I'd always be willing to play you, but I was the one who... who _abandoned_ you? You're still playing and you _found_ it, _found_ the thrill of the game, of being _good_ at the game? Akari, I've left you _alone_. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

Akari stilled. She did not pull away.

"You were right Akari, you were always right – I'm an idiot, I'm such an idiot that we've... we've become _strangers_. I don't _want_ that, I want us to talk, to play, to go out and _do_ things like we always used to, so... so... Let's play a game. We can go to my house or, or we could go to Touya's salon! I'll check out the setup you have at school! Actually, you know what? _Forget_ go, let's go see a movie, let's go to the theme park, let's go _shopping for clothes_! You know what? I'll do it, I'll come see you every day after school, I'll teach your club for free, I'll play teaching games with you, I'll play handicapped games, I'll play non-handicapped games, I'll show you speed go, and one-color go, and –"

"...Stupid Hikaru..."

"Huh?" Hikaru had just started babbling on, trying anything, saying anything to get Akari _back_. He was breathing hard.

Akari began to clutch him fiercely. "Stupid... _stupid_ Hikaru!" He felt her fist clench.

"I know you're mad – I know you're mad at me so just hit me, okay? Remember that time you pelted me with go stones? Do it, okay? Do it, because I'm just an idiot who left his best friend behind for years and years –"

Hikaru stopped all at once as Akari let out a loud wail in his shirt. She shoved her head into his chest, yanking him with her arms, and he could hear her sobbing. He held still for several moments while Akari cried and _cried_ , exactly the same way as when she'd failed her test, exactly the same as when Kaiou defeated them in the middle school tournament.

He shifted her crying head to his shoulder, which she took to making a mess of. He began doing the same to her own shoulder.

Hikaru hadn't cried since Sai had left, just before he'd started playing again. This felt somewhat similar to then. There was the loss of someone important to him, a loss he'd refused to acknowledge for so long. The was the solemn understanding that Sai lived in in his go, that he could be with him so long as he played. With Akari, he knew now, there was more than go.

Go was life, life was a journey, and people were a part of that journey. Everything was the same. He and Akari could play go forever, or they could never play again, so long as they traveled that journey together.

The Divine Move would not be achieved by a single individual. One could not play go alone, nor could one go through life alone.

It wasn't something foolish like 'there's more to life than go,' nor was it 'there's nothing else in life except go'. Hikaru and Akira could never reach the Divine Move by occupying either end of such extremes.

Akari's body felt warm and soft under his arms, yet she was strong. The wind wafted from her hair, and he knew this scent, the scent of nothing less than Akari. The strength with which she refused to let him go was the same kind of strength with which she'd laid waste to her teachers' go board. That strength he wanted to continue feeling from her arms, and that strength he wanted to see in her game for himself.

Finally, Akari spoke, voice thick and trembling upon his shoulder. "I – I was so _lonely_ , Hikaru! I played go, I kept on talking to all my friends, I made _new_ friends, I did it all but it was hard, it was _so_ hard, w-without you there with me...!" She sniffed. His heart hung in his throat as his own tears stained her blazer.

"I know – I _know_ – please forgive me... _forgive_ me Akari, I'll do anything you want, whenever you want..."

"Don't ever, don't _ever_ do that again, Hikaru! Stupid, _stupid_..." she bawled at him, and he was right there with her.

When the sun began to set, Hikaru and Akari ran to the swings, tripping over each other in childish competition. When each of them threw themselves upon the seat, the frame rocked in protest of their size and weight. Though far too small for them now, they swung on the set until they tired themselves out.

"...And so this new kid, Kouji, he's real quiet, but I saw him watching one of my games closely, so I _know_ he'll be good, and we still have this girl named Sakura from last year, and guess what, she's _all_ about go and that imagery with her name, which is kind of lame if you ask me..." Akari had been saying. Hikaru listened to every word, and when he'd had the opportunity to tell her about Touya and how he wore such stupid clothes or Yashiro's absurdly bleached hair and Waya's weird 'zelda' username for Netgo and Asumi who'd been so happy when she'd finally passed the pro exam, Akari had done the same, laughed, and said she wanted to meet all of them, and to make sure to introduce her properly because he was a professional and etiquette was important, she said.

"This morning Touya told me my go had gotten stale, so I went to find a way to fix it. We gotta get in shape for the Hokuto Cup and finally show what Japanese go is made of." Hikaru said, rocking the swing with his foot.

"Stale? _You_?" Akari questioned next to him. "We're you able to figure anything out about it?"

"You know what? I think I did, and it's all because of _you."_ Akari blushed, but quickly regained her composure. Hikaru smirked. That was fun; maybe he could do it again. "I guess I'd never thought about it before, but your birthday is right after the Young Lions tournament. I'll get you a gift," he declared.

To Hikaru's disappointment, Akari didn't blush again. "You will? Don't spend too much money, okay?"

"What do you want then? Clothes, tickets to something, I bet you still don't have a CD player."

"Actually, I want a go board."

Hikaru paused. "You don't have to do that. I'm capable of getting you things that aren't go-related."

Akari sighed and shook her head. "Hikaru, I _want_ a go board, because I _want_ to play go, whether it's with you or not."

Hikaru looked at her blankly. "Uh... what?"

"Didn't I tell you to stop being so stupid...?" Akari muttered. "I said it before, I play for the _thrill,_ for sensation of a strong opponent. I don't play just because you play, not anymore."

"Akari..."

"I still want to play with _you_ of course, and naturally I have a responsibility to lead the other players in my go club on the same path. I _made_ that club. It's _mine_ , not yours."

"Then, then –" Hikaru began excitedly, waving his arms much the same way that Sai used to. "I'll come teach your club – for free, of course – and I'll show you speed go and one-color go and you can finally beat me with a ten stone handicap..."

"Hey!"

"Like I said before, I'll come see you after school!"

"...Really?"

"Absolutely," Hikaru nodded vigorously, "every day I don't have a game or a tournament or something, I'll go wait for you!"

"And you'll get me a go board?"

"You bet!"

"Even if it's a super special antique autographed by Ho'ninbou Shusaku that costs a hundred million yen?"

"I, er, what happened to not spending too much money?" Hikaru said carefully. Akari tapped her chin in thought, eyes wide with feigned innocence.

"Well now that I think about it, you've been a pro for awhile and you still live at home, you must have all this money just sitting around by now~"

"A-Akari, c'mon, I'm gonna need that for something..."

Akari just laughed. Hikaru sighed.

"Did you really think I expected you to get a board autographed by _Ho'ninbo Shusaku?"_

Something occurred to Hikaru then, in the way Akari spoke his name. She knew who he was, and he didn't need to ask her how she knew either; the answer was the same as her reason for playing. He remembered how many people from Japan, their own country, who'd wondered who Ho'ninbo Shusaku had been and what he had to do with go. That had been at the first Hokuto Cup, after Ko Yeong Ha's declaration.

He'd always known he'd have to tell someone about it someday. It had been his own hubris that'd kept Akari off the small list of people, but now he knew better. He played go by following his instincts, so he would do the same here.

"Hey, Akari."

"Hm?"

"There's something I want to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago. Something I've never told anyone." Akari immediately stopped laughing. She looked over to him, fighting to keep the blush off her face. Ah, right, maybe he should have phrased it differently. "It's about how I started playing go, why I said I would never play again, and why I've continued on playing since." The blush slowly drained from her face. She leaned over to him, concerned.

"...Are you going to tell me what it was that hurt you so badly back then?" Akari said softly.

"Yes. I'm sorry if I worried you." Hikaru looked up to the sky, where the clouds marked the parting of the shadow of night with the setting sun. "Let's meet here again next week. Ah, I think I should tell Touya too. I'll have to get him out here." He stood up from the swing. Akari leaned back and did the same.

"You mean Akira-san?"

"Yeah. He should know. Next Sunday, I'll tell you both." Hikaru grinned. "You have school tomorrow right? I'll come by, and we can do whatever you want. If you have stuff to do in your club after school, I'll help you." He raised a hand in goodbye, and began to walk to his house. Before he did, Akari suddenly latched on to him.

"Hey, Hikaru..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm _really_ glad you're here."

Hikaru hugged Akari close to him.

"We can take our time, because I'm not gonna leave you again."

"You'd better not," she said, once more in his shoulder.

* * *

 **This was gonna be a one-shot, But now I think I'll make it a two-shot, so I'll get the other one up soon. As for this, I had the pleasure of going through Hikaru no Go again this winter break, and as a competitive game player myself I got very nostalgic and decided to share my thoughts. As Hikaru said here, go players express themselves in their game. I know how that feels, and I am also a writer who expresses myself through written words. For a brief time, I wanted to have both.**

 **Until next time,**

 **~Iggy**


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